CLOSURE- IS IT POSSIBLE?

Recently, the Boston media announced that it was a citizen’s tip that led to the arrest of a sports utility driver who killed a graduate student in a hit-and-run accident about three months ago. The victim’s brother said,” I am happy about the arrest. It will not bring my brother back but at least it will help us reach some closure.” My question is this: can the arrest of the culprit really bring “closure” to the family at all?

In psychological sense, the term “closure” has a long history, and comes from the Gestalt school in Germany which was concerned with the organization of mental processes. It was actually Max Wertheimer who, in 1923, coined the term, and now is part of our ordinary language.

I do not really understand the concept of “closure,” for it implies that one can simply whitewash memories of a sad event. I don’t think that is possible. We can understand and often accept the death of a person who lived a long and fulfilling life, but there is an element of unfairness when we lose someone in a tragic way. The more horrific the event, the deeper our anger and grief. I don’t think parents can ever get over their pain when they bury a child; this becomes even worse when it happens as a result of a senseless killing. There was an outrage in Israel, mid-February, when the newly appointed Jordanian minister of Justice, Hussein Mjali, called for the release from an Israeli prison of Ahmed Dakamseh, a Jordanian soldier, who had murdered seven Israeli school girls and injured six others near the Israeli-Jordanian border in 1997. I can empathize with the anger of the Israeli citizens over this insensitive request.

Total closure, I maintain, does not exist. The Talmud says, “only after twelve months does one begin to forget the dead (Ber. 58b). The impact of the event, however, stays with us for many years to come. Does that mean that we cannot go on living? Yes, we can and often do, and with progressively diminished pain and anguish in our hearts. If we are fortunate, with time, we can experience the softening of the edges of our grief, slowly and haltingly. No, there is no such thing as closure. There is only the dulling of the pain, and most of us go on living because we have fewer choices. Fortunate are those sufferers who have the support of family and friends who can empathize with them during their ordeal, and help them move forward through the path of life.

May God spare us of these kinds of pain, and give us the strength to help those who are going through the valley of the shadow.

Rifat Sonsino
rsonsino@tbsneedham.org
Feb. 2011

PUNCTUALITY

I rely on people’s words, and expect that they will be fulfilled on time. Thus, for instance, I don’t like it when someone shows up late at a meeting, or sends a letter (or email) way after its due date-- unless, of course there is a good excuse.

I believe that, in the great scheme of things, we live in an orderly world. Seasons come after one another, just as day follows night. We could not function if we were left guessing all the time. The Book of Ecclesiastes reminds us that God “brings everything to pass precisely at is time” (beito, 3: 11), and the Book of Proverbs praises the “word rightly timed” (davar beito, 15: 23). Timeliness was also stressed by the Rabbis. One sage taught, “If a fig is plucked at the proper time, it is good for the fig and good for the tree” (Gen. R. 62.2). This kind of world is dependable and reassuring.

I am an organized person who plans things ahead. Rarely do I leave things to the last moment. I respect people’s time and word, and expect the same from the others. When I was a congregational Rabbi, my weekend talks were often prepared early on Mondays or Tuesdays, and the outline of my High Holiday sermons was penciled by June or July, even though the festival would be celebrated around Sept/October. In synagogue life I could never predict what would happen towards the end of the week: a funeral, an unexpected meeting, an illness. So, I would leave myself plenty of time for surprises and unplanned events. I also conducted religious services on time, began meetings promptly, and taught classes as scheduled. Even now, at the University I expect my students to turn in their assignments as indicated in my syllabus.

Regrettably, many people I know have a hard time managing their time well, and function with the mentality of “mañana” (Spanish, for tomorrow). They are perennially late, or promise and do not fulfill, or leave things to the last moment. Their thinking is, if I can do it tomorrow, what bother today? I have a hard time dealing with this type of behavior.

I have been accused of having an A-type personality. I gladly accept this accusation, but believe it is better this way than interacting with unreliable people and their vague promises. Being “on time” is simply a matter of courtesy and respect for others. In the “Merry Wives of Windsor,” Shakespeare wrote, with a bit of exaggeration, “Better three hours too soon than a minute late”. Similarly, The French King Louis XVIII is reported to have said, “L’exactitude est la politesse des rois” (“Punctuality is the politeness of kings”), a trait we should all try to emulate. I believe things ought to be done, as the Good Book says, “beito, “in its time.” And not leave people constantly wondering if they will ever happen or not.

Rifat Sonsino

rsonsino@tbsneedham.org

Feb. 2011