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Thursday, May 20, 2010

BEING AN ADVISOR

With life experience one develops a wider perspective on many issues. You have been there, you have done that, and now you should be ready to share it with others. It is a truly noble attitude and generous commitment. However, the advice must be genuine and disinterested. It should also inspire conduct.
It is beneficial to heed people with experience, whether they are above you or beneath you, for wisdom can be found in any age. According to the Rabbis even God took counsel with the angels when God decided to create the first human being: “Let us create man” (Gen. 1:2).
I have a friend who was very successful in business and decided to become an advisor after his own retirement. He sits with an executive of the company, looks at the operation of the institution, and gives him/her free recommendation as to how things ought to be handled in order to produce better results. But not everyone pays attention to good counsel.
In the Bible, after the death of King Solomon, his son, King Rehoboam faced a rebellion by the northern tribes. They told him, if you ease our burden we will serve you well, if not, we will part company. Rehoboam first consulted with his senior advisors who told him to go easy on the northerners, whereas the younger counselors suggested that he needs to stand up and show them who the real king is.Rehoboam ignored the old and preferred the young. The northerners did not like Rehoboam’s response, seceded and set up their own Kingdom of Israel in the north.
In the rabbinic period, the Sages, having deposed Rabbi Gamaliel II, nominated Rabbi Eleazar b. Azariah (2nd cent. CE) to become the new head of the Sanhedrin. Before accepting the offer, however, he said he needed to consult with his wife; she told him not to take the position but he ignored her advice, and ended up keeping his new post just a short while.
It is exhilarating when your recommendations are welcome and they bring good results. On the other hand, it is frustrating when you give your best advice but the advisee ignores your counsel. There is no way to force him/her to accept your word. Thus you see failure in front of your eyes, when it could have been success. But, as the old saying goes, “you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.” You end up saying to yourself, why don’t they just listen to experience?
Rifat Sonsino
rsonsino@tbsneedham.org

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

SELF-RELIANCE

As far back as I can remember, my mother, of blessed memory, used to drill into my head the notion that I needed to be my own boss. “Don’t depend on others,” she used to say. “People are fickle,” and then added, “they always follow their own interests.” Her attitude was colored by my father’s sad experience as an official of the Jewish community in Istanbul, Turkey where he worked as the executive secretary of the Chief Rabbinate. In his position, he had to depend on the will and wish of other board members to carry out any program for what my mother considered a meager salary.

There is no doubt that it is better to stand on one’s feet and forge your own destiny. You don’t have to rely on other people to pursue your personal plans, or deal with the whims of individuals who at times can play games with your life. If you succeed, you are entitled to glory; if you fail, you cannot blame anyone else but you. Besides, all acknowledge that your own needs come first. If you cannot meet them adequately, you cannot be helpful to others. Doesn’t the flight attendant tell all the passengers, “In case of an emergency, please place the oxygen mask on your face and then put it on the face of your child?” An older Jewish sage seems to have echoed this instruction when he stated, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?” Another one wrote, “when a person eats at his own table, his mind is at ease” (Avot d’Rabbi Natan, 30). In other words, it is better to rely on your own resources than to depend on the charity of others, including your children.

So, for many years, I followed my mother’s advice, and tried to be as independent as possible. Years later, when I started to get tired of being the number-two Rabbi in my previous synagogue, I looked for a temple where I would be the only or senior Rabbi, only to find out that I now had 1500 bosses!

That realization made me re-think whether being your boss is at all possible in life. In our interaction with others, we all depend on other people’s good will to accomplish anything of value. An old Rabbinic Midrash states, “There is no barber that cuts his own hair” (Lev. R. 14: 9). Instead of acting on our own, I believe, we are better off working cooperatively with others. Do you think the President of the United States, the most powerful person on earth, can function alone? He, too, needs to listen to his advisors, and, at times, even work with adversaries in order to bring to fruition any kind of plan. It is good to have confidence on one’s ability; it is praiseworthy to come up with good ideas and show leadership in our line of work, but nothing will occur if we do not find reliable individuals who will help us succeed. Who is fortunate? He who finds a good advisor who is also a dependable friend. I have found such people, and I am blessed.

Rifat Sonsino

rsonsino@tbhsneedham.org